This week, Tom Lando is not feeling particularly sexy… but he IS feeling pretty damn hungry! Ok, enough writing in the third person. Tom Lando here, with another article for The Back Row, but a slightly different kind of article. Today I’m going to tell you about the magical journey of FOOD I took today! It all started this morning…
I had been asked to come to Wendy’s for 10AM. I wasn’t entirely sure as to why… I knew it had something to do with the application I had put in several months ago, but I wasn’t sure if I was looking at an interview, training, or what. This was kind of a trivial thing for me – I already have a job. On the other hand, said job gives me about one shift per month, so the idea of getting one wherein I actually made some money was kind of appealing. The other questionable aspect of working at Wendy’s was that, having worked at KFC for three years, I wasn’t exactly excited to work in fast food again. All this aside, I decided what the hell, and set out for whatever this meeting would be about.
But I had an additional objective in mind! After the thing at Wendy’s, I would stop by the nearest grocery store and assemble the ingredients required to make CANDIED BACON! I had already tasted the magnificent treat before, but I don’t have much of a history as far as cooking goes, so this would be my first time actually MAKING the delicacy. I went and picked up a can of real maple syrup (by far the most expensive thing on the list), a bag of brown sugar (to be honest, I might have already had this somewhere in my house, but I wasn’t going to take that chance), and a pack of bacon.
When I got home, I put the bacon in the oven, mixed the brown sugar and maple syrup, took the bacon out, glazed the bacon with the sweet brown sauce, put the bacon back in, and after repeating the last three steps until I was out of sauce. I let the bacon cook for another 10 minutes before finally turning off the oven and laying my strips of candied bacon out on a plate so I could snack on them throughout the next little while.
Once I was down to two strips, though, I found that I wasn’t quite satisfied. I guess I was, at that point, craving a bit more of a meal – preferably one that I could get these last two strips of bacon involved in. I decided the best method for this would be to make a sandwich, so I discussed ideas for said sandwich with Gill. The first step I came up with was to wrap the candied bacon in 3 slices of lunchmeat style ham and then shred cheddar cheese over it, which would be melted all together. I also decided to add a crumble of crushed up Cool Ranch Doritos to the cheese, making it all melt into a kind of crunchy nacho topping atop pig wrapped in candy wrapped in pig. For the ends of the sandwich, naturally some kind of spread was in order. Gill and I had initially decided on peanut butter, but I later discovered that the peanut butter was missing, which is actually pretty unusual. Regardless, I went through the various condiments in my kitchen and finally decided (clearing the idea with Gill first) to use a spread of cream cheese. I am so glad I did this, because it was amazing.
Next time I make this, I’m gonna to make 2 changes. Namely, I will be putting it on a bagel (lightly toasted) instead of bread, and I will be adding Fireball Whiskey to the sauce with which I candy the bacon.
>So to summarize, here is the makeup of the sandwich which I dubbed “The Great White Machete” (it’s pretty white). I’m including an alcoholic and non-alcoholic variation.
- 2 Slices of White Bread OR 1 White Bagel (Lightly Toasted)
- Cream Cheese Spread on Both Ends
- Candied Bacon (Bacon glazed with a mix of maple syrup and brown sugar) ALCOHOLIC VERSION: Add Fireball Whiskey to Bacon glaze
- 3 Slices of Lunchmeat Style Sliced Ham, Wrapped Around the Candied Bacon
- Cheddar Cheese Shredded on top of the Ham Wraps
- Cool Ranch Doritos Crumble Mixed With the Shredded Cheese
Put the candied bacon wrapped in ham on a plate, shred the cheese onto it, crush the doritos over it, and then put the plate in the microwave and nuke it for 33 seconds. Spread the cream cheese on the bread or bagel, then take everything on the plate and put it between the two ends of the sandwich. Enjoy your Great White Machete!