It was noon and the fridge was empty, so I wandered over to the local Hartman’s with the goal of picking up a Bombay chicken salad and a beverage to call my lunch. What I found…was something most unusual. A strange drink called Marley’s Mellow Mood was on sale, and as the bottle proudly declared that it would “reduce stress and relieve tension” under a picture of Bob Marley laughing and looking altogether too happy, I simply could not resist purchasing a bottle. Let’s examine this stuff a little closer, shall we?
My photos aren’t exactly high definition, so here’s what it says on the front of the bottle:
All Natural Relaxation
MARLEY’S MELLOW MOOD
Green Tea with Honey
Relieves Stress & Reduces Tension
So it’s basically the opposite of an energy drink. The anti-caffeine/guarana beverage. There’s no way this stuff doesn’t contain cannabis.
The label on the back is covered in medical and nutritional facts. Here they are with commentary by Yours Truly.
Recommended Use Or Purpose (I love how the stoners who brewed this couldn’t make up their mind as to the wording): Marley’s Mellow Mood is formulated with an all natural proprietary relaxation blend, which may help promote relaxation (double use of ‘relaxation’…must get a thesaurus) and reduce anxiety, while maintaining alertness. (I hope that the ‘alertness’ isn’t also known as ‘paranoia’)
Recommended Dose: Drink 1 473mL bottle a day as needed. Do not consume more than 4 bottles per day. (Oh no! He’s become…TOO MELLOW! I wonder if you turn into the Fonz if you become too mellow…) Do not exceed the recommended dose. (Waitaminute, why didn’t they just say “Do not drink more than 1 bottle per day”? I’m starting to wonder how safe this stuff is. It’s also pretty strange that they don’t recommend drinking more than one of these a day. Kinda cuts down the potential for sales, doesn’t it?)
Lemon Balm 20mg
Humulus Lupulus (Hops) Extract 13.3mg
Non-Medicinal Ingredients: Filtered water, sugar, citric acid decaffeinated green tea, natural green tea flavour, natural honey flavour.
It’s that valerian that’s going to make me all mellow. In case you’ve never heard of it, valerian is a sedative herb that’s often used to treat insomnia. I’ve never used it, but I hear it gives you weird dreams. I’ve also heard that Passionflower has similar effects.
According to the Marley’s Mellow Mood official website, the hops promotes relaxation and inhibits adrenaline, the chamomile flower reduces anxiety, the lemon balm enhances mood, alertness and calm, and the melatonin relaxes muscles. Makes me wonder how this stuff is going to taste. It’s the same yellow-y green colour as normal iced green tea…
…and it tastes exactly the same, too. This honestly tastes no different than Nestea brand green iced tea. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit around and mellow out for a bit to see what this mystery potion does to me.
15 Minutes Later: I feel a tiny bit buzzed, maybe a slight disconnection from my body. It’s the same kind of feeling I get after I take penicillin when I’m sick – like a very minor kind of loopiness. Of course, this could just be psychosomatic. Or a symptom of Bombay chicken salad that’s gone off.
45 Minutes Later: Well, I fell asleep shortly after I wrote that last paragraph. I just slumped back in my chair and dozed off almost instantly. Maintains alertness my foot! This thing knocked me out pretty thoroughly. There’s drool on my shoulder.
The bottle bears the following warning:
Caution: Do not operate heavy machinery after taking Marley’s Mellow Mood relaxation drink. Not recommended for children. Do not take if you are pregnant or breastfeeding. Do not consume with alcohol. Melatonin: consult a healthcare practitioner prior to use if you have a hormonal disorder, diabetes, liver or kidney disease, cerebral palsy, seizure disorders or if you suffer from migraines or depression and/or hypertension or if you are using blood pressure or sedative medication.
Holy shit! Maybe I should have read that first. Reading that completely undid all the mellowness! Let that be a lesson to you kids: always read the label!
Marley’s Mellow Mood is a very unusual drink. It tastes fine, and the slumber I sank into after consuming it wasn’t unpleasant at all; since the bottle promises some degree of alertness, I can’t help but wonder if my dozing off was a sign that the product is defective, and thus the reason the drink was on sale. I doubt I could function if I drank one of these every day.
So, to wrap it up, I wouldn’t recommend Marley’s Mellow Mood for any occasion besides getting some shut-eye. If you’re having trouble sleeping, it will probably help you out, and I could definitely see myself drinking one and passing out on the couch in front of the TV on a lazy afternoon. Beyond that, I like to think I’m mellow enough that I don’t need Bob Marley’s Mystery Juice to calm me down.